Monday, August 29, 2011


I look around and see happiness. Everybody has it, they look into the eyes of the ones they love. Even if they don't see it themselves, I see it. I see the love people have for one another. Everything from an annoyed look to a slight touch on the shoulder. It all shows a trust and understanding that they have for each other. Its a beautiful thing, the happiness. It creates a better life, it's what allows us to have dreams and aspirations. Its what brings us up when we are down, those around us sharing their love and happiness. I can see this in so many people, yet for all my seeing I cannot see it for myself.

Friday, August 26, 2011


To see it at first glance, the slight look out of the corner of your eye. A feint loss of breath without meaning, and then a pounding in the chest. A nervousness kicks in and then a panic. Why this feeling? Why now? A connection with someone that you've never seen before. An unseen understanding of what might be. A future in the blink of an eye. Is it real or just an illusion created by the mind and heart?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sight unseen

Every day I look around at the world in contemplation of what is, what is to come, and what might have been. A choice made that could have been different. That if made the correct way could have led to a great future, with limitless possibilities. However if made in that particular way could have also led to a hated life, perhaps prosperous... yet hated. The choices made on a daily basis have created an endless loop of what ifs and regrets. How we cope with the regrets or deny that we have any are what can determine the best outcome for the future. Can we see what is in the present, or are we blind to the now and only observant of what we want for our future? Do our hopes and dreams blind us to what is needed? Or can we avoid the endless loop of torment that haunts those of us who dream? I have dreams of the future that will most likely never come, but always seem to block the here and now. The actions taken in the present are influenced by the future. A fluid reactive time that creates a living hell. Every action taken for the future, yet at the same time causes the future to never exist.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I don't know why I try to change my personality, I am who I am... if you wanna laugh at me or be annoyed with me... why be my friends in the first place? Here's me: depressed, lonely, control freak, think I'm smarter than you before I know you and typically know I am after I know you(this may sound arrogant but I'm actually quite self-loathing,) I know what I want in order to be happy but realize that I will almost never have it. YES.. most of these traits are why I'm lonely and depressed but oh well.. that's me take it or leave it! P.S. I LOVE BEER!!!!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Broke Or Broken

Feeling a little melancholic tonight.....
Ever since I made the decision to leave my decent paying job for a job I wanted to work, I have been struggling to even live my life. First I was forced to move back with my family, which was embarrassing enough. I tried my best to earn enough money to get back on my feet. But things rarely work the way we want. The extra work caused me to rely on extra help to give myself energy. However being diabetic, it caused my kidneys to shut down. My family was told that I wasn't going to make it through the night. I pulled through and had the realization that I had just been laid off from all my work two days prior to being hospitalized. I was thrown even deeper into the depths of a pit of regression. To go from being completely self sufficient and never needing anything from anybody, to having to rely on everybody for the most basic of necessities. It took two years to find work after that. I have been working at my current job for nearly a year now, yet still feel like I am stuck swimming against the tide. I make an attempt to help myself and pull myself even further back at the same time. I cannot even attempt anything close to a relationship. How is a broke man who can barely afford to feed himself, take a girl on a date? How am I suppose to be intimate with her while I live with "mommy"?  I am a broken man... Struggling day to day to find what I can to keep going. As it is I am living for the next day hoping that it will be better than the current one.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Nothing like a night of fun, food, and drinks right? WRONG! Well its starts out fun. A night with a bunch of friends that are more like family, some BBQ, and some beer. Enjoying the night and laughing at each other. Everything is fine until you have a drink too much and take offense to something somebody says. You try to ignore it, and ignore it, and ignore it again.... Then you get pissed over something stupid, that isn't really what you're upset about. Just a culmination of events that made you finally snap. Every little word eats at you to the point that somebody merely asking you if you want another beer is an insult. A rage builds up in your mind, creating false situations that might clarify the reasons for things that don't even matter. Thoughts like.... has it always been this way? or, am I just a tool to arise their humor? So you leave in the midst of a blinding rage that you can't explain. Lets just say, its not a good idea to leave that situation. Let alone get on your Harley and decide to do twice the speed limit through curving roads. Even if you think you are fine to drive, the cops don't. And going that speed is sure to attract their attention. Needless to say you will probably get arrested like I did, spend a few hours in jail, and end up with a crap load of fines. The only upside is that you might end up meeting a sexy little 20 year that got arrested for the same thing. Like I did... OR you might just meet a big black dude that walks with a waddle and cant bend his elbows cause his muscles are too big. A guy the booking officers kindly refer to as Bubba!