Friday, July 26, 2013

Fuck Life!

Well, I deactivated my facebook account today.
Over the last couple of years I have noticed more and more that those around me merely tolerate my existence. People are nice to an extent and usually polite. However, even the close couple of friends I do have can't stand to be around me for very long. It is probably something to do with my personality, but to be honest I have no fucking clew. I haven't had a date in over 6 years, I haven't had sex in over 3 years. People just don't like being around me unless they need to be. I'm not the guy that people call to hang out, unless they want me to buy the beer or need help with something. Hell even the people I work with everyday, who all sit and have a beer together after work on Saturdays, never ask me to join. The times when I make an effort and bring everybody beer, they grab a beer and scatter away from me. I never considered myself a bad person, but maybe other people do...

So anyway, I deactivated my facebook account today after I noticed somebody I had sent a couple messages to, with a rare response, deleted me from their friends list. Facebook to me was the one place I had left to possibly make a connection or converse with somebody other than something work related. Nobody will engage me in a conversation unless it is to criticize my smoking, tell me I should take better care of my health or lose weight, or ask me to fix something with a computer(which I don't get paid to do.) I do have to admit that a couple people lately have made an effort to be nicer to me... I think partially because I got drunk a few times and posted some really depressing posts on facebook, and somebody saw and just felt sorry for me.  So I shut it down because I found myself sitting here every night leaving it open on one of my monitors with the hope that somebody might actually want to talk to me. And I mean not just being polite and respoding to my messages or feeling sorry for me and trying to give me advice. I don't want pity, I want people to want to talk to me. I want to be on somebody's mind at random and have them want to send me a message. It was always the same couple people that left comments on my posts, but never anything serious.

My mom almost died in my arms a couple weeks back and not even my closest friends asked me how I was feeling. The guys at work were polite and asked how she was doing, but not one person thought to ask how I was doing after having to hold my own mothers limp breathless body in my arms for the second time. I realized then, that I don't have anybody. I had nobody to text, nobody to call except my family. Every where I look I see people being happy with other people. Is it too much to ask that I have one person that might actually think of me? Of course, I get the standard "how are you doing?" daily at work... But I'm pretty sure it's not out of any real curiosity or genuine concern, and more out of concern as to whether my mental state is intact. I can talk to some people in teamspeak that I use to play online games with. But hearing about all of their wives and children is just  as hard anymore as seeing a happy couple and knowing that I might never have that. It's getting to the point that I don't even know what happiness is anymore, or at least what it feels like. I find myself depressed all the time and usually end up making people even more uncomfortable around me.

I get nervous around people anymore. I've gone so long without any genuine interaction aside from my family that I think I'm forgetting how to be around people. Even my family has lost all respect for me. Actually, I don't think there is a single person I know that respects me as a person. I see pity or politeness, but not respect. Even when somebody is asking for my help with something they cannot do on their own, it's like its just expected that I should help them because I'm a lower being or something.

I haven't been feeling well the last few years either. My diabetes has gotten fairly bad, and the migraines I use to get as a kid returned for about the last 4 or 5 years. I was getting about one or two a week, lasting anywhere from 10 hours to 3 days. But the last month or so its been less frequent, and more violent. I have also been having some pretty severe spells of getting light headed. If I move my head too fast, my vision gets blurry and it feels like I'm going to pass out. Doctors  just ignore it when I bring it up to them though because I don't have medical insurance. I also recently found out that my dad's biological mother died from a brain tumor when she was 34.. I'm only 5 years off from that.

So yeah... This is my first post in quite a while so its long and kind of a rant... But I needed to say it somewhere because I can't afford a shrink and facebook is just other people that want to be popular and fuck actual friendship. Although this probably won't even be read by a single person, its more likely that if somebody does read it it will because they chose to and not because they saw it on their news feed. I'm pathetic.